Motherhood: A Blessing

This past Monday Brandon and I saw Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Well...that pretty much describes yesterday. I ended the day feeling terrible. I felt like a failure as a mother. I felt like a failure as a wife. And, DEFINITELY felt like a failure as a housekeeper. Mallorie is almost two, and definitely acts like it. It is a constant battle trying to get her to do anything. She is very stubborn, and when she says no, she means it! Trying to deal with that, and understand that yes, she may be a toddler, but she's still a baby, has been quite the challenge. She is still a baby. She can't communicate fully, her body is still growing, and she's still dependent upon us for almost everything. My toddler is a baby.

My newborn is also a baby. He has the sweetest temperament, but he's a newborn. Newborns come with their own set of demands. Feedings and diapering are taking their toll on me. He is a great sleeper, but still. Night time isn't what it used to be.
As I woke up at 3:45 a.m. today to feed my sweet Christopher, my mind automatically started thinking of everything that had gone wrong yesterday. And, then my mind shut down and wanted more sleep. I decided to hop on Facebook to give my mind something to focus on while I nursed. The first post was heartbreaking. A friend of mine had given birth and her baby had passed away. It was the swift kick in the butt that I was needing. It put everything into perspective for me, and I was immediately humbled as I sat there and cried for my friend.

I thought to myself "how dare you whine about your silly day, when this is happening to someone you care about". It was such a wake up call that I couldn't sleep for a while. As I cried, I began thinking about motherhood, and all the types of mothers that are out there. There are mothers who are mothers because they birth a child. There are mothers who are mothers because they chose to love a child who needed a home. And then there are mothers who never get to be mothers on this earth. I am a mother who has children on this earth, and one already waiting for me on the other side.
In the case of my friend, this was her 5th child. She found out early on in her pregnancy that this baby most likely would be stillborn, and if it did live, it would be short. Her doctor told her that termination was definitely an option on the table for her. My friend swiftly declined. She wanted this baby no matter how short their time would be together. She carried her baby to term, knowing the whole time that she wouldn't get to bring that sweet child home with her. And, yet, she did it. She is a mother.
Our bodies are designed to do these incredible things. We can bring children in to the world. And, our hearts!!! Our hearts are so expandable! They let so many little children in. Whether you're a Duggar and have 19 hands wrapped around your heart, or you're me. A Buchei with only two hands currently on my heart.

We are divine. We are created by a God who knows what our bodies and hearts are capable of. Our bodies go through 9 months of stretching, peeing, heartburn and ultimately CHILDBIRTH!!! Whether you push that baby through a tiny hole, or have major surgery. Your body is built to withstand it. And, for those women whose bodies can't do those things, God made your hearts EXTRA special! Your hearts go through much more than the average person. Learning about infertility is a loss all by itself. And, your heart breaks. And then you apply for adoption, and your heart heals a little. A family picks you! Heals a little more. And then....they change their mind. They want to keep their baby. Your heart breaks all over again. It's like learning about your infertility all over again. But, then one day, another family picks you and your sweetheart to be the parents of their tiny baby. This time, you are more careful with your heart. You don't plan. Maybe you don't even tell people this time around. But, you make it to the hospital with that sweet mommy about to deliver her most precious gift. And then she hands you that beautiful baby, and your heart heals. All the pain was worth it for that moment. You are holding that baby and it is yours.
Motherhood is divine. Sometimes things cloud that in my mind. Being peed on doesn't seem so divine. Being hit and yelled "NO" at definitely doesn't seem divine. But, I am divine. I am a mother. These two precious lives that Brandon and I get to live with and interact with on a daily basis, are mine. They made me a mother. They heal my heart daily. They break my heart daily. But, they are mine. And I am theirs.
So to my friend. If you ever read this. You are divine. You gave that sweet baby a body and a life. Your sweet child was too perfect for this world, but you will see that baby again. You will hold them, and love them. They will smile at you and tell you how much they've missed you since they had to leave you. But, they are yours. Forever. You are a mother. Nothing can change that. No amount of time and no distance.
We are all mothers. And we are all divine.

Christopher Malek Buchei

We waited 37 weeks and 2 days to find out that it was a boy!! I couldn't believe it. He was here. It's a boy. I have no blue. But, it's a boy. I have a girl. But, it's a boy. IT'S A BOY!!! I cried. A lot. Happy tears. It's a boy. He was so worth the wait. 
So...how did he get here?
Well, I got a call on the Thursday after Christmas and was told that my OBGYN had gone out of town for a family members death, so she wouldn't be able to make it to my appointment for the following Monday. But, since I'm high risk, I had to be seen by a different doctor. So, we set the appointment. Didn't think much of it. Just another appointment.
Well, on Monday, December 29, 2014, I went to the doctor. Brandon and Mallorie were both with me, as they usually were. But, this appointment proved to be a bit different. My blood pressure was higher than it had ever been and the doctor was really concerned. She expressed her concerns to me, and told me the risks of continuing my pregnancy. She put me on STRICT bed rest! I had to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for 2 days. She said come back on Wednesday, which would be New Year's Eve, and we'd check my blood pressure again. I was also to monitor it periodically at home for the time that I would be on bed rest, and if she wasn't satisfied with my numbers, then we'd "call it quits." Her words, not mine.
I was terrified. I was 37 weeks pregnant, and I wanted a VBAC more than anything. But, I wanted my baby to be healthy.
So, I monitored my blood pressure at home. It wasn't great, but it also wasn't always terrible. Sometimes it would be normal, and rarely it would be too high. At least that's what I thought. I thought things were fine. Brandon gave me a blessing that things would work out for the best. We prayed A LOT. We prayed for a VBAC if that was God's plan, but we prayed more importantly for the health of the baby and for my health.
So, Wednesday came. We were kind of okay having a baby that day, but didn't really think it would happen. My numbers didn't seem to be too critical. So, we go to the doctor and they check my blood pressure. The nurse said it seemed ok. I must've looked disappointed because she looked at me and said she'd talk to the doctor. I'm not sure why I looked disappointed to her. Don't get me wrong. I was DONE being pregnant, but my desire for a VBAC was so intense, I didn't want my baby to come without my body being ready. So, they check it again, and then this time they don't tell me what it is. They just say to wait in a room, the doctor needed to now see me. We knew at this point, our baby would be coming. We weren't supposed to be seeing the doctor. We were only supposed to be seeing nurses for my blood pressure check.
She came in. And said those words. "You're having a baby today. You can't be pregnant for any longer. It's not healthy." My heart sank. It meant an automatic C-section. It meant having to send my daughter to a babysitter, and I wasn't ready for her to not be my only child. It was a lot for me to take it, but I didn't cry. At least not until the doctor left the room. We called both sets of parents. My mom told us that she would shower and then get on the road with my dad and my brother and his family. Since I had eaten breakfast that morning we were told that I wouldn't be able to go into surgery until at the earliest 6:00 p.m. It was currently 11:30 a.m. Plenty of time for my parents to get to Corpus Christi from San Antonio.
We asked if we could go home to gather things and to find a babysitter for Mallorie (the one we had previously asked was sick). But, she said no. She said with my blood pressure being what it was she wasn't comfortable with me even leaving the hospital. So, I was wheeled to labor and delivery. Seriously. Wheeled. I wasn't even allowed to walk!!!
I told Brandon to take Mallorie home and let her nap. We still had HOURS until this baby was coming. So, he did. My family eventually got on the road with plenty of time also.
OR SO WE THOUGHT!!!!
Surprise...the plans had been changed. They asked a doctor to come in and do the surgery at 4:30 before he started his rounds at 5.
WOWZERS!!! I had no family here at this point, and no husband by my side, and they told me this around 2 p.m. So, I call Brandon and let him know what's going on, and then call my parents.
3:45 comes and there's no sign of my parents or husband, and the nurses are telling me that I'm going back to the OR at 4:00 to get prepped. I call Brandon, and he's on his way to the hospital with Mallorie. We were never able to get her to a sitter since my surgery time had changed while she was napping. He's on his way. What a relief, but he has our daughter, and my parents aren't at the hospital yet to take her.
So, they wheel me back to the OR without my husband, and I'm terrified. I can't do this by myself. I don't want to do this by myself. I don't want to find out the gender of this baby without my partner by my side.
As I'm getting my spinal tap, I'm bawling. Because first of all, that is one of the most painful things I've ever had done to me, and second, they're not waiting for my husband. And, to make matters worse, my anesthesiologist kept telling me I shouldn't be crying. BITE ME!!! I'm allowed to cry!!!Eventually, Brandon makes it. I have no clue how, or when. But, I just remember looking over and him being there at one point! Within seconds, I hear screaming. It's a boy!!! More tears. More anesthesiologist telling me I had no reason to cry and that I shouldn't be. It was incredible. They held him up to my face and Brandon took a picture, and then they wheeled me to my recovery curtain. My mom came in and I shared the news with her, and then Brandon and my dad came back. I asked for a blessing, but I honestly can't tell you a word that was said. I was so completely drugged up, all I wanted to do was sleep.
We make it back to my recovery room eventually and we share the news with all of our family via text or phone call. He wasn't named yet, but we were at least able to announce his arrival.
It was 6 hours before I was allowed to see or hold my sweet baby again. It was truly the hardest 6 hours of my life. And, we weren't being told why we weren't allowed to see him, they were just keeping him away. We were finally told that he had trouble controlling his body temperature, and then once they got that under control, he was breathing too rapidly. But, finally at 10:30 p.m. they brought him to my room. He was perfect. He was a boy. And, he was mine.
My surgery didn't go as planned, so we dealt with some rough news, but he is here. I can't complain about that right? I am blessed to be a mother. I have these two perfect children, and I couldn't ask for a greater calling than being their mother.

Christopher Malek Buchei

Born Decemeber 31, 2014

6 lbs. 7 oz.

19 3/4" long

4:33 p.m.



first family photo

holding my tiny son for the first time