I'm Allowed to Feel Sad

The last time I shared my disappointment in having a C-section with Mallorie, I got a lot of responses. Most negative. Some very kind. I had people tell me that I needed to see someone for my post-partum depression. Some tell me that I belittling their birthing experience because they had to have C-sections. Others told me that I was being insensitive to those who had gone through the same thing as I. But, I had ONE friend stick up for me. ONE PERSON. It broke my heart. I had one person tell me how much they hoped I had the VBAC that I so desperately hoped for. ONE. Well, that didn't happen. I had a repeat C-section. So, let me start this post by clearing a couple things up.
1-I do not suffer with post-partum depression. Like with every single woman's birthing experience, you have expectations and hopes. For me, I hoped for a VBAC more than anything I'd ever hoped for before. For others it may be an at home birth, or a drug free birth. Some peoples birth plans go perfectly and they get everything they wanted and thought would happen. Some, like myself, have everything go differently. Being sad about this doesn't make me depressed, it makes me human. Like with any situation in life, things can go wrong, and I understand that. But, along with that understanding does come with sadness.
2-I am not here to belittle anyone else's experience. This is my experience, and my own opinions. If you do not agree, that is fine. But, do not think that I am trying to be negative. I am only trying to get my thoughts down in writing so that I can begin my own healing process.
3-Do I wish that I had to have C-sections? HECK NO!!! Let me be clear on this. Having a C-section is MAJOR SURGERY. There is no "little incision" or "quick recovery. It is a large opening that they use to deliver a healthy baby. The recovery is a long time. You may be able to walk soon after surgery, but everything is painful. I wasn't allowed to pick up my almost 2 year old for 6 weeks. I couldn't help bring in groceries, or even get out of bed without assistance. It is a very humbling thing for me. I needed help showering, dressing, and taking care of my children.
4-This is probably the most important. I am grateful for C-sections. Without them, I would not be able to safely deliver my beautiful children. I do believe that this surgery was inspired by my Father in Heaven. He knows all and He created all. I believe that He inspired some doctor, somewhere, at some time to have the idea of a C-section. It saves babies and mommies. It allows me to have children.

Okay, that rant is over, now let me get to what I really wanted to write about.

Since having Christopher, I feel like my life has been surrounded by babies being born. And not just babies being born, but babies being born in line with their mothers birth plan. Just 1 month and one day after having a failed VBAC with Christopher, my sister delivered a beautiful little boy via a successful and very quick VBAC. I was, and am, so incredibly happy for her. But, I had a very hard time with it. I cried. Not out of anger for my sister or her beautiful little Sammy. But, out of what I truly think if jealousy. That is the only way I can describe it. I believe that you can be genuinely happy for someone, but still sad for yourself. I liken it to someone who is going through infertility finding out their sister or best friend is pregnant. They are genuinely happy for them, but sad for themselves wondering if they will ever experience that joy. That's how I felt. So happy for her, but so sad for myself.
Then I read a friends blog. She had had two previous C-sections and found a doctor who would allow her to try for a VBAC, and it was successful. She wrote in her blog about how much she loved the skin to skin and watching her baby come out seeing her husband cut the cord. As I read, I cried my eyes out. I will never get to hold my sweet babies skin on skin that new and fresh in this world.
Then, just last wee, Brandon and I received another beautiful niece. It was their first baby. Quick labor. Quick pushing. Healthy baby. Healthy mama. Once again, as I walked in to meet this new baby, I saw my sister-in-law holding her skin on skin. They looked so beautiful there. My sister-in-law looked perfect with that chubby little baby on her chest, and I couldn't help but be excited for this new family and the adventures they would soon have. But, it reminded me of my first baby. I labored for 26 hours, with no progression, and ended up having a C-section.
Now, I'm not saying these things to say "everyone feel bad for me". I'm writing this down because I NEED IT. I need to say what's on my mind. I need this.

After my C-section with Christopher, I was told that I shouldn't have any more children. The surgeon that did my surgery kind of did things his own way, without telling us what was going on. I heard him saying "oh, that's weird" and I asked what was going on and he wouldn't answer. Well, after my surgery we found out a few things. He told Brandon that I had a double-walled uterus, which the next day he said it was a bicornuate uterus. This wasn't my first surgery, and my OBGYN that delivered Mallorie never said anything about my uterus. He then told us that there was too much scar tissue where my previous incision had been so he had to cut my uterus vertically instead of horizontally like most typical C-sections. I felt so violated. NO DUH THERE'S SCAR TISSUE!!!!! I had had a previous C-section. Now, this may not seem like a big deal to some people. But, I was told this before I had even been allowed to hold my new baby or see him. Christopher had some health problems right after delivery so I wasn't even allowed to see him or feed him. They had to give him a feeding tube, and wouldn't allow me to nurse him. All of these things combined were a terrible experience. After having a C-section, you are confined to your bed for a little while. You can't move most of your body. Well, Christopher was in the nursery. I wanted to see him. But, he couldn't come to me, because of this surgery, I couldn't be wheeled to him.
If Brandon, and I choose to have more children, it will be a very prayerful and delicate decision. But, I will never be allowed to carry a baby past 37 weeks because of what this surgeon did to my uterus. And, because of the diagnosis that he gave me of having a bicornuate uterus, I will never be allowed to try for a VBAC again. So, yes. I am sad. I am so happy for all of these wonderful women in my life who have had beautiful deliveries of their babies. But, I am sad. I am not sure when I'm going to be okay with how things went, and how my future deliveries will go. But, I'm hoping that one day I will get there. It might be after all my children are born and I know I never have to go through this again. It may be in a month and one day I just realize, IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! But, for now, it is hard. It doesn't mean I'm depressed. It means I'm human. It means I'm definitely a woman. And, it means I'm normal.
So, please don't think I'm putting anyone down, or minimizing their birthing experience. Please just know, that for me. Things didn't go as planned. And, one day, that'll be okay. But, right now. I'm still dealing with it, and It's not ok. And, I'm allowed to feel sad sometimes. :)