This past week we got some good news, but it was mingled in with a lot of not so great news. It has made me really stop and think about our life as a family. We have two beautiful children, who are healthy and happy. We have a wonderful marriage that is full of laughter and happiness. We are blessed.
But, we do have our trials. We have financial trials like any and every family has at some point. At least I hope every family has them at some point. I like to think we're not the only ones. :)
We have been thinking about what the future holds for our family. We have been thinking about having another baby (I've been craving one), but at the same time, we've been looking at finances and career opportunities for each of us. Expanding our family is a big deal.
Most people know that my delivery with our son, Christopher, was less than ideal. It was a scary ordeal mixed with lots of miscommunication and uneasy feelings. We knew that if we chose to have another baby it would be quite a process. And, so a couple of months ago, I started going to a new OBGYN to get things in order and to find out what having another baby would mean to my body, that baby, and my sweet children and husband. The thought of leaving Brandon with a new baby, plus our other 2 kids, is a terrifying thought and feeling.
But, there's a song that I've been listening to on repeat. It's called "Blessings", and it's by Christian artist Laura Story. The chorus is amazing. It brings me such amazing comfort as we go through all that we are, and as we think about what our future might hold for our family. It says, "What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You're near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"
What if? What if all this pain is for such a greater blessing? That is what I'm focused on for now. The "what's to come". That's all I can focus on. If I focus on the present, it's scary. It's sad. It's no fun. So, for now, the future is where I look to. Is there another Baby Buchei in it? Who knows?! Not us! That's for sure. This is something we process on a daily basis. It's going to take "a thousand sleepless nights" for us to get our answer. This isn't a decision that we can make lightly because it is so life-threatening. But, we know that our Father in Heaven knows all. He knows the desires of our hearts. He knows what is best for us. And, we know that he will help us see, in time, what He has seen all along.
I'll leave you with another line from the song.
"What is my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can satisfy? What if trials of this life-the rain, the storms, the hardest nights... Are Your mercies in disguise?"
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
I Hate "Up in The Air"
Up in the air.
That's where my life is.
Things are crazy.
ALWAYS!
At the beginning of June, the 2nd to last day of school, Brandon came home early from work and let me know that he had just been fired from his job. My reaction you ask? I'd like to say I was all calm, cool, and collected. But, for anyone who knows me, you know that that isn't true. I freaked out. I cried. I panicked. I held my babies. Kissed them. And, then... I cried some more. We were pretty sure that my parents would allow us to move back in to their house, but we still had to ask. We were pretty sure that Brandon would be able to be instantly hired at a Papa John's, but he would still have to apply and go through the hiring process. I was NOT okay with what was happening to our life!
Now, I was never the biggest fan of Corpus Christi. I didn't feel very loved there. I didn't feel like my family fit in to the ward (that's our church congregation that we attended), and we missed our families. Any family. So, we had been praying for months to be able to get out of Corpus Christi. Brandon had been applying to jobs both in Salt Lake County, and in San Antonio for months. But...NOTHING! It was so frustrating. He didn't like his job, we didn't like where we living, and we were alone. It was pretty miserable. At least for me it was. I was at home with two children, and I never saw anybody or was able to leave our apartment because we only had one registered car at the time.
So, yes, we'd been praying to leave Corpus Christi. So, maybe the chaos that is now our life is our fault. But, I never thought that our prayer would be answered the way it was. Brandon lost his job on June 12 (I think...), and on June 24 we packed up and were moving back to San Antonio.
CHAOS.Chaos is literally defined as "a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order." That is what I feel like my life has been for the past two months. Utter confusion and disorder! TO A "T"! Brandon and I don't do mess very well, but we have now stuffed all of our essential belongings into two bedrooms. There is always disorder. I haven't finished unpacking and decorating the kids room because I want to clean the walls first, and make curtains. So, there's literally a box in the middle of the kids floor. I haven't finished unpacking our bedroom because I want to paint it first. And yet, I can't paint it by myself because my husband works, what feels like, A BAZILLION hours a week.
Like I said "utter confusion and disorder"!
I'm not angry with my Heavenly Father. Not at all. After all, he did answer our prayer. But, I am definitely confused. Why this way? We were finally doing good. Financially especially, and then BOOM no job. Back living with your parents.
Now, don't get me wrong. Brandon and I are UNBELIEVABLY grateful for everything that our parents have done for us during this time. But, let's be honest...who wants to live with their parents after they are married and have 2 children??? It isn't our ideal situation, but it's working for the time being.
Like I said...I hate up in the air...
Here's to hoping things get figured out soon and we can start getting back on our feet again!!!
That's where my life is.
Things are crazy.
ALWAYS!
At the beginning of June, the 2nd to last day of school, Brandon came home early from work and let me know that he had just been fired from his job. My reaction you ask? I'd like to say I was all calm, cool, and collected. But, for anyone who knows me, you know that that isn't true. I freaked out. I cried. I panicked. I held my babies. Kissed them. And, then... I cried some more. We were pretty sure that my parents would allow us to move back in to their house, but we still had to ask. We were pretty sure that Brandon would be able to be instantly hired at a Papa John's, but he would still have to apply and go through the hiring process. I was NOT okay with what was happening to our life!
Now, I was never the biggest fan of Corpus Christi. I didn't feel very loved there. I didn't feel like my family fit in to the ward (that's our church congregation that we attended), and we missed our families. Any family. So, we had been praying for months to be able to get out of Corpus Christi. Brandon had been applying to jobs both in Salt Lake County, and in San Antonio for months. But...NOTHING! It was so frustrating. He didn't like his job, we didn't like where we living, and we were alone. It was pretty miserable. At least for me it was. I was at home with two children, and I never saw anybody or was able to leave our apartment because we only had one registered car at the time.
So, yes, we'd been praying to leave Corpus Christi. So, maybe the chaos that is now our life is our fault. But, I never thought that our prayer would be answered the way it was. Brandon lost his job on June 12 (I think...), and on June 24 we packed up and were moving back to San Antonio.
CHAOS.Chaos is literally defined as "a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order." That is what I feel like my life has been for the past two months. Utter confusion and disorder! TO A "T"! Brandon and I don't do mess very well, but we have now stuffed all of our essential belongings into two bedrooms. There is always disorder. I haven't finished unpacking and decorating the kids room because I want to clean the walls first, and make curtains. So, there's literally a box in the middle of the kids floor. I haven't finished unpacking our bedroom because I want to paint it first. And yet, I can't paint it by myself because my husband works, what feels like, A BAZILLION hours a week.
Like I said "utter confusion and disorder"!
I'm not angry with my Heavenly Father. Not at all. After all, he did answer our prayer. But, I am definitely confused. Why this way? We were finally doing good. Financially especially, and then BOOM no job. Back living with your parents.
Now, don't get me wrong. Brandon and I are UNBELIEVABLY grateful for everything that our parents have done for us during this time. But, let's be honest...who wants to live with their parents after they are married and have 2 children??? It isn't our ideal situation, but it's working for the time being.
Like I said...I hate up in the air...
Here's to hoping things get figured out soon and we can start getting back on our feet again!!!
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Our Little Infinity
I have been obsessed with The Fault in Our Stars. I haven't read the book yet, but that will come soon. But, I love the movie. I cry uncontrollably each and every time I watch it. But, I still watch it. A lot. In the movie Augustus Waters asks his girlfriend and love of his life to write his eulogy for him and then he wants to hear it before he passes away. In it she says one of the most profound things I've ever heard. She explains math for a bit, and explains that there is an infinite amount of numbers. An infinite amount between 1 and 2, such as .1, .11, etc. She also explains that just between .1, and .11 there is another infinite of numbers. And then she says this, "my love,I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”
WOW!
Brandon and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary. I have known him for almost 4 years now, although it took quite the amount of convincing to get him to date me! ;)
3 is such a small number. When you see a 3 year old you don't think of them as old, or wise, or experienced. When you see the number 3 it is close to the beginning, and will soon be forgotten by every other number that is soon to follow.
But, my goodness. These 3 years married to Brandon, and 4 with him as my best friend, have been my perfect little infinity.
He has given me a reason to smile each and every day. He chose me and I chose him. He made me happy when I didn't realize I needed to be happier. He is the man I was meant to marry. While we were dating I asked him once if he believed there was one person for everyone. He said no. He then read to me a part of his patriarchal blessing that specifically states that he will get to CHOOSE his wife, and together they will go through the temple. I then got out mine to see what it said about the person I was to marry. It said almost the exact same thing. Loving Brandon, and him loving me, was our choice. We chose to let the other into our lives and our heart. We weren't perfect people, and we definitely aren't now. But, I chose to love him, and I will forever be grateful that I did!
So, what is in our tiny infinity???? SO MUCH!!! We have moved 5 times, delivered 2 healthy babies VIA C-section, lost one pregnancy due to miscarriage, 8 jobs between the 2 of us, 4 cars, and an endless amount of love!
.jpg)
Our infinity may seem like such a little accomplishment to some. Sometimes when I'm with other people and they discover that we've been married for 3 years, I feel like they think less of me. Like, 3 years is nothing. Talk to me when you've hit 10, or 15, or whatever they're at. But, for us. 3 years is where we are. Eventually we will make it to those bigger landmarks. But, 3 years is our current infinity. And, as our infinity grows, so will our love.
So, to those who think 3 years isn't an accomplishment, remember where you were 3 years in to your marriage. It's tough work letting someone in to your life. It's tough work having so many emotions, and not being able to hide them by going back to your house at the end of the night. My house, is his house. My emotions, he sees. Brandon has seen me at my worst, and my best. And, despite it all, I know that he loves me. I hope knows how much I love him, too.
Our infinity is perfect. Our infinity is ours. I love Brandon, and the wonderful life that he has given me and our children!
So, here's to the rest of our infinity!!!
WOW!
Brandon and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary. I have known him for almost 4 years now, although it took quite the amount of convincing to get him to date me! ;)
3 is such a small number. When you see a 3 year old you don't think of them as old, or wise, or experienced. When you see the number 3 it is close to the beginning, and will soon be forgotten by every other number that is soon to follow.
But, my goodness. These 3 years married to Brandon, and 4 with him as my best friend, have been my perfect little infinity.
So, what is in our tiny infinity???? SO MUCH!!! We have moved 5 times, delivered 2 healthy babies VIA C-section, lost one pregnancy due to miscarriage, 8 jobs between the 2 of us, 4 cars, and an endless amount of love!
.jpg)
Our infinity may seem like such a little accomplishment to some. Sometimes when I'm with other people and they discover that we've been married for 3 years, I feel like they think less of me. Like, 3 years is nothing. Talk to me when you've hit 10, or 15, or whatever they're at. But, for us. 3 years is where we are. Eventually we will make it to those bigger landmarks. But, 3 years is our current infinity. And, as our infinity grows, so will our love.
So, to those who think 3 years isn't an accomplishment, remember where you were 3 years in to your marriage. It's tough work letting someone in to your life. It's tough work having so many emotions, and not being able to hide them by going back to your house at the end of the night. My house, is his house. My emotions, he sees. Brandon has seen me at my worst, and my best. And, despite it all, I know that he loves me. I hope knows how much I love him, too.
So, here's to the rest of our infinity!!!
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
I'm Allowed to Feel Sad
The last time I shared my disappointment in having a C-section with Mallorie, I got a lot of responses. Most negative. Some very kind. I had people tell me that I needed to see someone for my post-partum depression. Some tell me that I belittling their birthing experience because they had to have C-sections. Others told me that I was being insensitive to those who had gone through the same thing as I. But, I had ONE friend stick up for me. ONE PERSON. It broke my heart. I had one person tell me how much they hoped I had the VBAC that I so desperately hoped for. ONE. Well, that didn't happen. I had a repeat C-section. So, let me start this post by clearing a couple things up.
1-I do not suffer with post-partum depression. Like with every single woman's birthing experience, you have expectations and hopes. For me, I hoped for a VBAC more than anything I'd ever hoped for before. For others it may be an at home birth, or a drug free birth. Some peoples birth plans go perfectly and they get everything they wanted and thought would happen. Some, like myself, have everything go differently. Being sad about this doesn't make me depressed, it makes me human. Like with any situation in life, things can go wrong, and I understand that. But, along with that understanding does come with sadness.
2-I am not here to belittle anyone else's experience. This is my experience, and my own opinions. If you do not agree, that is fine. But, do not think that I am trying to be negative. I am only trying to get my thoughts down in writing so that I can begin my own healing process.
3-Do I wish that I had to have C-sections? HECK NO!!! Let me be clear on this. Having a C-section is MAJOR SURGERY. There is no "little incision" or "quick recovery. It is a large opening that they use to deliver a healthy baby. The recovery is a long time. You may be able to walk soon after surgery, but everything is painful. I wasn't allowed to pick up my almost 2 year old for 6 weeks. I couldn't help bring in groceries, or even get out of bed without assistance. It is a very humbling thing for me. I needed help showering, dressing, and taking care of my children.
4-This is probably the most important. I am grateful for C-sections. Without them, I would not be able to safely deliver my beautiful children. I do believe that this surgery was inspired by my Father in Heaven. He knows all and He created all. I believe that He inspired some doctor, somewhere, at some time to have the idea of a C-section. It saves babies and mommies. It allows me to have children.
Okay, that rant is over, now let me get to what I really wanted to write about.
Since having Christopher, I feel like my life has been surrounded by babies being born. And not just babies being born, but babies being born in line with their mothers birth plan. Just 1 month and one day after having a failed VBAC with Christopher, my sister delivered a beautiful little boy via a successful and very quick VBAC. I was, and am, so incredibly happy for her. But, I had a very hard time with it. I cried. Not out of anger for my sister or her beautiful little Sammy. But, out of what I truly think if jealousy. That is the only way I can describe it. I believe that you can be genuinely happy for someone, but still sad for yourself. I liken it to someone who is going through infertility finding out their sister or best friend is pregnant. They are genuinely happy for them, but sad for themselves wondering if they will ever experience that joy. That's how I felt. So happy for her, but so sad for myself.
Then I read a friends blog. She had had two previous C-sections and found a doctor who would allow her to try for a VBAC, and it was successful. She wrote in her blog about how much she loved the skin to skin and watching her baby come out seeing her husband cut the cord. As I read, I cried my eyes out. I will never get to hold my sweet babies skin on skin that new and fresh in this world.
Then, just last wee, Brandon and I received another beautiful niece. It was their first baby. Quick labor. Quick pushing. Healthy baby. Healthy mama. Once again, as I walked in to meet this new baby, I saw my sister-in-law holding her skin on skin. They looked so beautiful there. My sister-in-law looked perfect with that chubby little baby on her chest, and I couldn't help but be excited for this new family and the adventures they would soon have. But, it reminded me of my first baby. I labored for 26 hours, with no progression, and ended up having a C-section.
Now, I'm not saying these things to say "everyone feel bad for me". I'm writing this down because I NEED IT. I need to say what's on my mind. I need this.
After my C-section with Christopher, I was told that I shouldn't have any more children. The surgeon that did my surgery kind of did things his own way, without telling us what was going on. I heard him saying "oh, that's weird" and I asked what was going on and he wouldn't answer. Well, after my surgery we found out a few things. He told Brandon that I had a double-walled uterus, which the next day he said it was a bicornuate uterus. This wasn't my first surgery, and my OBGYN that delivered Mallorie never said anything about my uterus. He then told us that there was too much scar tissue where my previous incision had been so he had to cut my uterus vertically instead of horizontally like most typical C-sections. I felt so violated. NO DUH THERE'S SCAR TISSUE!!!!! I had had a previous C-section. Now, this may not seem like a big deal to some people. But, I was told this before I had even been allowed to hold my new baby or see him. Christopher had some health problems right after delivery so I wasn't even allowed to see him or feed him. They had to give him a feeding tube, and wouldn't allow me to nurse him. All of these things combined were a terrible experience. After having a C-section, you are confined to your bed for a little while. You can't move most of your body. Well, Christopher was in the nursery. I wanted to see him. But, he couldn't come to me, because of this surgery, I couldn't be wheeled to him.
If Brandon, and I choose to have more children, it will be a very prayerful and delicate decision. But, I will never be allowed to carry a baby past 37 weeks because of what this surgeon did to my uterus. And, because of the diagnosis that he gave me of having a bicornuate uterus, I will never be allowed to try for a VBAC again. So, yes. I am sad. I am so happy for all of these wonderful women in my life who have had beautiful deliveries of their babies. But, I am sad. I am not sure when I'm going to be okay with how things went, and how my future deliveries will go. But, I'm hoping that one day I will get there. It might be after all my children are born and I know I never have to go through this again. It may be in a month and one day I just realize, IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! But, for now, it is hard. It doesn't mean I'm depressed. It means I'm human. It means I'm definitely a woman. And, it means I'm normal.
So, please don't think I'm putting anyone down, or minimizing their birthing experience. Please just know, that for me. Things didn't go as planned. And, one day, that'll be okay. But, right now. I'm still dealing with it, and It's not ok. And, I'm allowed to feel sad sometimes. :)
1-I do not suffer with post-partum depression. Like with every single woman's birthing experience, you have expectations and hopes. For me, I hoped for a VBAC more than anything I'd ever hoped for before. For others it may be an at home birth, or a drug free birth. Some peoples birth plans go perfectly and they get everything they wanted and thought would happen. Some, like myself, have everything go differently. Being sad about this doesn't make me depressed, it makes me human. Like with any situation in life, things can go wrong, and I understand that. But, along with that understanding does come with sadness.
2-I am not here to belittle anyone else's experience. This is my experience, and my own opinions. If you do not agree, that is fine. But, do not think that I am trying to be negative. I am only trying to get my thoughts down in writing so that I can begin my own healing process.
3-Do I wish that I had to have C-sections? HECK NO!!! Let me be clear on this. Having a C-section is MAJOR SURGERY. There is no "little incision" or "quick recovery. It is a large opening that they use to deliver a healthy baby. The recovery is a long time. You may be able to walk soon after surgery, but everything is painful. I wasn't allowed to pick up my almost 2 year old for 6 weeks. I couldn't help bring in groceries, or even get out of bed without assistance. It is a very humbling thing for me. I needed help showering, dressing, and taking care of my children.
4-This is probably the most important. I am grateful for C-sections. Without them, I would not be able to safely deliver my beautiful children. I do believe that this surgery was inspired by my Father in Heaven. He knows all and He created all. I believe that He inspired some doctor, somewhere, at some time to have the idea of a C-section. It saves babies and mommies. It allows me to have children.
Okay, that rant is over, now let me get to what I really wanted to write about.
Then I read a friends blog. She had had two previous C-sections and found a doctor who would allow her to try for a VBAC, and it was successful. She wrote in her blog about how much she loved the skin to skin and watching her baby come out seeing her husband cut the cord. As I read, I cried my eyes out. I will never get to hold my sweet babies skin on skin that new and fresh in this world.
Then, just last wee, Brandon and I received another beautiful niece. It was their first baby. Quick labor. Quick pushing. Healthy baby. Healthy mama. Once again, as I walked in to meet this new baby, I saw my sister-in-law holding her skin on skin. They looked so beautiful there. My sister-in-law looked perfect with that chubby little baby on her chest, and I couldn't help but be excited for this new family and the adventures they would soon have. But, it reminded me of my first baby. I labored for 26 hours, with no progression, and ended up having a C-section.
Now, I'm not saying these things to say "everyone feel bad for me". I'm writing this down because I NEED IT. I need to say what's on my mind. I need this.
If Brandon, and I choose to have more children, it will be a very prayerful and delicate decision. But, I will never be allowed to carry a baby past 37 weeks because of what this surgeon did to my uterus. And, because of the diagnosis that he gave me of having a bicornuate uterus, I will never be allowed to try for a VBAC again. So, yes. I am sad. I am so happy for all of these wonderful women in my life who have had beautiful deliveries of their babies. But, I am sad. I am not sure when I'm going to be okay with how things went, and how my future deliveries will go. But, I'm hoping that one day I will get there. It might be after all my children are born and I know I never have to go through this again. It may be in a month and one day I just realize, IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! But, for now, it is hard. It doesn't mean I'm depressed. It means I'm human. It means I'm definitely a woman. And, it means I'm normal.
So, please don't think I'm putting anyone down, or minimizing their birthing experience. Please just know, that for me. Things didn't go as planned. And, one day, that'll be okay. But, right now. I'm still dealing with it, and It's not ok. And, I'm allowed to feel sad sometimes. :)
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Two Month Shots
My sweet little Christopher got his first vaccinations today (besides the one they gave him while at the hospital). It breaks my heart seeing this little man cry. When Mallorie was a baby, she had the sweetest, softest cry ever. You could barely hear her. Things have definitely changed, but back then, her cry wasn't bad at all. Christopher on the other hand is a whole different story! This boy can scream! His crying/screaming is very rare. He really is a happy baby, but when he's sad...YOU KNOW IT! And, when he's in pain...YOU DEFINITELY KNOW IT! When he got his PKU he held his breath and started turning purple before he finally let out a loud scream. I was hoping he was over the holding breath part, and I'm happy to say that he is. But...he's definitely not over the screaming part. It is one of the saddest things I've ever had to see. And, to just have to stand there and hold his hands and rub his face, which didn't help at all let me just add.
Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% grateful for vaccines. I'm so grateful that a simple little prick can protect my children from terrible diseases and illnesses. But, on the other hand, I wish they were all oral like the rotavirus vaccine! lol
It would be much easier on this mommy's heart if I could just say "Here, drink this!" and BAM no more polio!
So, this is how my little man started his day...
So happy. Nothing was making his sad. He could've smiled at me all day long. Then I made him go to the doctor, and now he's like this...
He is miserable. Mallorie bounced back from shots as if she never got any. I have a feeling Christopher is going to be quite different. He is on Tylenol and just wants cuddles! I will be happy to give them! :)
Don't get me wrong, I'm 100% grateful for vaccines. I'm so grateful that a simple little prick can protect my children from terrible diseases and illnesses. But, on the other hand, I wish they were all oral like the rotavirus vaccine! lol
It would be much easier on this mommy's heart if I could just say "Here, drink this!" and BAM no more polio!
So, this is how my little man started his day...
Two Month Stats
Height- 23 inches (50th percentile)
Weight- 11 pounds 5 ounces (50th percentile)
Head Circumference- 15 inches (10th percentile)
Friday, February 27, 2015
Motherhood: A Blessing
This past Monday Brandon and I saw Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Well...that pretty much describes yesterday. I ended the day feeling terrible. I felt like a failure as a mother. I felt like a failure as a wife. And, DEFINITELY felt like a failure as a housekeeper. Mallorie is almost two, and definitely acts like it. It is a constant battle trying to get her to do anything. She is very stubborn, and when she says no, she means it! Trying to deal with that, and understand that yes, she may be a toddler, but she's still a baby, has been quite the challenge. She is still a baby. She can't communicate fully, her body is still growing, and she's still dependent upon us for almost everything. My toddler is a baby.
As I woke up at 3:45 a.m. today to feed my sweet Christopher, my mind automatically started thinking of everything that had gone wrong yesterday. And, then my mind shut down and wanted more sleep. I decided to hop on Facebook to give my mind something to focus on while I nursed. The first post was heartbreaking. A friend of mine had given birth and her baby had passed away. It was the swift kick in the butt that I was needing. It put everything into perspective for me, and I was immediately humbled as I sat there and cried for my friend.
In the case of my friend, this was her 5th child. She found out early on in her pregnancy that this baby most likely would be stillborn, and if it did live, it would be short. Her doctor told her that termination was definitely an option on the table for her. My friend swiftly declined. She wanted this baby no matter how short their time would be together. She carried her baby to term, knowing the whole time that she wouldn't get to bring that sweet child home with her. And, yet, she did it. She is a mother.
Our bodies are designed to do these incredible things. We can bring children in to the world. And, our hearts!!! Our hearts are so expandable! They let so many little children in. Whether you're a Duggar and have 19 hands wrapped around your heart, or you're me. A Buchei with only two hands currently on my heart.
Motherhood is divine. Sometimes things cloud that in my mind. Being peed on doesn't seem so divine. Being hit and yelled "NO" at definitely doesn't seem divine. But, I am divine. I am a mother. These two precious lives that Brandon and I get to live with and interact with on a daily basis, are mine. They made me a mother. They heal my heart daily. They break my heart daily. But, they are mine. And I am theirs.
So to my friend. If you ever read this. You are divine. You gave that sweet baby a body and a life. Your sweet child was too perfect for this world, but you will see that baby again. You will hold them, and love them. They will smile at you and tell you how much they've missed you since they had to leave you. But, they are yours. Forever. You are a mother. Nothing can change that. No amount of time and no distance.
We are all mothers. And we are all divine.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Christopher Malek Buchei
We waited 37 weeks and 2 days to find out that it was a boy!! I couldn't believe it. He was here. It's a boy. I have no blue. But, it's a boy. I have a girl. But, it's a boy. IT'S A BOY!!! I cried. A lot. Happy tears. It's a boy. He was so worth the wait.
So...how did he get here?
Well, I got a call on the Thursday after Christmas and was told that my OBGYN had gone out of town for a family members death, so she wouldn't be able to make it to my appointment for the following Monday. But, since I'm high risk, I had to be seen by a different doctor. So, we set the appointment. Didn't think much of it. Just another appointment.
Well, on Monday, December 29, 2014, I went to the doctor. Brandon and Mallorie were both with me, as they usually were. But, this appointment proved to be a bit different. My blood pressure was higher than it had ever been and the doctor was really concerned. She expressed her concerns to me, and told me the risks of continuing my pregnancy. She put me on STRICT bed rest! I had to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for 2 days. She said come back on Wednesday, which would be New Year's Eve, and we'd check my blood pressure again. I was also to monitor it periodically at home for the time that I would be on bed rest, and if she wasn't satisfied with my numbers, then we'd "call it quits." Her words, not mine.
I was terrified. I was 37 weeks pregnant, and I wanted a VBAC more than anything. But, I wanted my baby to be healthy.
So, I monitored my blood pressure at home. It wasn't great, but it also wasn't always terrible. Sometimes it would be normal, and rarely it would be too high. At least that's what I thought. I thought things were fine. Brandon gave me a blessing that things would work out for the best. We prayed A LOT. We prayed for a VBAC if that was God's plan, but we prayed more importantly for the health of the baby and for my health.
So, Wednesday came. We were kind of okay having a baby that day, but didn't really think it would happen. My numbers didn't seem to be too critical. So, we go to the doctor and they check my blood pressure. The nurse said it seemed ok. I must've looked disappointed because she looked at me and said she'd talk to the doctor. I'm not sure why I looked disappointed to her. Don't get me wrong. I was DONE being pregnant, but my desire for a VBAC was so intense, I didn't want my baby to come without my body being ready. So, they check it again, and then this time they don't tell me what it is. They just say to wait in a room, the doctor needed to now see me. We knew at this point, our baby would be coming. We weren't supposed to be seeing the doctor. We were only supposed to be seeing nurses for my blood pressure check.
She came in. And said those words. "You're having a baby today. You can't be pregnant for any longer. It's not healthy." My heart sank. It meant an automatic C-section. It meant having to send my daughter to a babysitter, and I wasn't ready for her to not be my only child. It was a lot for me to take it, but I didn't cry. At least not until the doctor left the room. We called both sets of parents. My mom told us that she would shower and then get on the road with my dad and my brother and his family. Since I had eaten breakfast that morning we were told that I wouldn't be able to go into surgery until at the earliest 6:00 p.m. It was currently 11:30 a.m. Plenty of time for my parents to get to Corpus Christi from San Antonio.
We asked if we could go home to gather things and to find a babysitter for Mallorie (the one we had previously asked was sick). But, she said no. She said with my blood pressure being what it was she wasn't comfortable with me even leaving the hospital. So, I was wheeled to labor and delivery. Seriously. Wheeled. I wasn't even allowed to walk!!!
I told Brandon to take Mallorie home and let her nap. We still had HOURS until this baby was coming. So, he did. My family eventually got on the road with plenty of time also.
OR SO WE THOUGHT!!!!
Surprise...the plans had been changed. They asked a doctor to come in and do the surgery at 4:30 before he started his rounds at 5.
WOWZERS!!! I had no family here at this point, and no husband by my side, and they told me this around 2 p.m. So, I call Brandon and let him know what's going on, and then call my parents.
3:45 comes and there's no sign of my parents or husband, and the nurses are telling me that I'm going back to the OR at 4:00 to get prepped. I call Brandon, and he's on his way to the hospital with Mallorie. We were never able to get her to a sitter since my surgery time had changed while she was napping. He's on his way. What a relief, but he has our daughter, and my parents aren't at the hospital yet to take her.
So, they wheel me back to the OR without my husband, and I'm terrified. I can't do this by myself. I don't want to do this by myself. I don't want to find out the gender of this baby without my partner by my side.
As I'm getting my spinal tap, I'm bawling. Because first of all, that is one of the most painful things I've ever had done to me, and second, they're not waiting for my husband. And, to make matters worse, my anesthesiologist kept telling me I shouldn't be crying. BITE ME!!! I'm allowed to cry!!!Eventually, Brandon makes it. I have no clue how, or when. But, I just remember looking over and him being there at one point! Within seconds, I hear screaming. It's a boy!!! More tears. More anesthesiologist telling me I had no reason to cry and that I shouldn't be. It was incredible. They held him up to my face and Brandon took a picture, and then they wheeled me to my recovery curtain. My mom came in and I shared the news with her, and then Brandon and my dad came back. I asked for a blessing, but I honestly can't tell you a word that was said. I was so completely drugged up, all I wanted to do was sleep.
We make it back to my recovery room eventually and we share the news with all of our family via text or phone call. He wasn't named yet, but we were at least able to announce his arrival.
It was 6 hours before I was allowed to see or hold my sweet baby again. It was truly the hardest 6 hours of my life. And, we weren't being told why we weren't allowed to see him, they were just keeping him away. We were finally told that he had trouble controlling his body temperature, and then once they got that under control, he was breathing too rapidly. But, finally at 10:30 p.m. they brought him to my room. He was perfect. He was a boy. And, he was mine.
My surgery didn't go as planned, so we dealt with some rough news, but he is here. I can't complain about that right? I am blessed to be a mother. I have these two perfect children, and I couldn't ask for a greater calling than being their mother.
So...how did he get here?
Well, I got a call on the Thursday after Christmas and was told that my OBGYN had gone out of town for a family members death, so she wouldn't be able to make it to my appointment for the following Monday. But, since I'm high risk, I had to be seen by a different doctor. So, we set the appointment. Didn't think much of it. Just another appointment.
Well, on Monday, December 29, 2014, I went to the doctor. Brandon and Mallorie were both with me, as they usually were. But, this appointment proved to be a bit different. My blood pressure was higher than it had ever been and the doctor was really concerned. She expressed her concerns to me, and told me the risks of continuing my pregnancy. She put me on STRICT bed rest! I had to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for 2 days. She said come back on Wednesday, which would be New Year's Eve, and we'd check my blood pressure again. I was also to monitor it periodically at home for the time that I would be on bed rest, and if she wasn't satisfied with my numbers, then we'd "call it quits." Her words, not mine.
I was terrified. I was 37 weeks pregnant, and I wanted a VBAC more than anything. But, I wanted my baby to be healthy.
So, I monitored my blood pressure at home. It wasn't great, but it also wasn't always terrible. Sometimes it would be normal, and rarely it would be too high. At least that's what I thought. I thought things were fine. Brandon gave me a blessing that things would work out for the best. We prayed A LOT. We prayed for a VBAC if that was God's plan, but we prayed more importantly for the health of the baby and for my health.
So, Wednesday came. We were kind of okay having a baby that day, but didn't really think it would happen. My numbers didn't seem to be too critical. So, we go to the doctor and they check my blood pressure. The nurse said it seemed ok. I must've looked disappointed because she looked at me and said she'd talk to the doctor. I'm not sure why I looked disappointed to her. Don't get me wrong. I was DONE being pregnant, but my desire for a VBAC was so intense, I didn't want my baby to come without my body being ready. So, they check it again, and then this time they don't tell me what it is. They just say to wait in a room, the doctor needed to now see me. We knew at this point, our baby would be coming. We weren't supposed to be seeing the doctor. We were only supposed to be seeing nurses for my blood pressure check.
She came in. And said those words. "You're having a baby today. You can't be pregnant for any longer. It's not healthy." My heart sank. It meant an automatic C-section. It meant having to send my daughter to a babysitter, and I wasn't ready for her to not be my only child. It was a lot for me to take it, but I didn't cry. At least not until the doctor left the room. We called both sets of parents. My mom told us that she would shower and then get on the road with my dad and my brother and his family. Since I had eaten breakfast that morning we were told that I wouldn't be able to go into surgery until at the earliest 6:00 p.m. It was currently 11:30 a.m. Plenty of time for my parents to get to Corpus Christi from San Antonio.
We asked if we could go home to gather things and to find a babysitter for Mallorie (the one we had previously asked was sick). But, she said no. She said with my blood pressure being what it was she wasn't comfortable with me even leaving the hospital. So, I was wheeled to labor and delivery. Seriously. Wheeled. I wasn't even allowed to walk!!!
I told Brandon to take Mallorie home and let her nap. We still had HOURS until this baby was coming. So, he did. My family eventually got on the road with plenty of time also.
OR SO WE THOUGHT!!!!
Surprise...the plans had been changed. They asked a doctor to come in and do the surgery at 4:30 before he started his rounds at 5.
WOWZERS!!! I had no family here at this point, and no husband by my side, and they told me this around 2 p.m. So, I call Brandon and let him know what's going on, and then call my parents.
3:45 comes and there's no sign of my parents or husband, and the nurses are telling me that I'm going back to the OR at 4:00 to get prepped. I call Brandon, and he's on his way to the hospital with Mallorie. We were never able to get her to a sitter since my surgery time had changed while she was napping. He's on his way. What a relief, but he has our daughter, and my parents aren't at the hospital yet to take her.
So, they wheel me back to the OR without my husband, and I'm terrified. I can't do this by myself. I don't want to do this by myself. I don't want to find out the gender of this baby without my partner by my side.
As I'm getting my spinal tap, I'm bawling. Because first of all, that is one of the most painful things I've ever had done to me, and second, they're not waiting for my husband. And, to make matters worse, my anesthesiologist kept telling me I shouldn't be crying. BITE ME!!! I'm allowed to cry!!!Eventually, Brandon makes it. I have no clue how, or when. But, I just remember looking over and him being there at one point! Within seconds, I hear screaming. It's a boy!!! More tears. More anesthesiologist telling me I had no reason to cry and that I shouldn't be. It was incredible. They held him up to my face and Brandon took a picture, and then they wheeled me to my recovery curtain. My mom came in and I shared the news with her, and then Brandon and my dad came back. I asked for a blessing, but I honestly can't tell you a word that was said. I was so completely drugged up, all I wanted to do was sleep.
We make it back to my recovery room eventually and we share the news with all of our family via text or phone call. He wasn't named yet, but we were at least able to announce his arrival.
It was 6 hours before I was allowed to see or hold my sweet baby again. It was truly the hardest 6 hours of my life. And, we weren't being told why we weren't allowed to see him, they were just keeping him away. We were finally told that he had trouble controlling his body temperature, and then once they got that under control, he was breathing too rapidly. But, finally at 10:30 p.m. they brought him to my room. He was perfect. He was a boy. And, he was mine.
My surgery didn't go as planned, so we dealt with some rough news, but he is here. I can't complain about that right? I am blessed to be a mother. I have these two perfect children, and I couldn't ask for a greater calling than being their mother.
Christopher Malek Buchei
Born Decemeber 31, 2014
6 lbs. 7 oz.
19 3/4" long
4:33 p.m.
 |
| first family photo |
 |
| holding my tiny son for the first time |
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)